Ok, this is silly, but it's the kind of stuff women go through.
There are four of us at work: me(43), "Mabel (36)," "Esther(29)", and "Ruth(38)." We all started pretty much around the same time five or six years ago. We haven't seen Ruth for a while because she moved to another department, then got pneumonia and has been out for months. So, really, it's me, Mabel, and Esther.
We usually hang out in the morning and go get coffee. Then we eat lunch and do the word jumble in the paper. Then around 3, we go get coffee. We email silly stuff throughout the day. And around five, we all leave, even though Mable is really the only one who gets in early enough to leave at that time--I digress.
Anyhoo, we're work friends. A clique. A posse of sorts. And, more often than not, an oasis of sanity in an insane workplace. Mabel and Ethel are new moms with toddlers around the same age. I can hack the constant mom-chatter because I like their kids.
So, this new girl joined our staff, "Tiffany (20-something)." She's a fine human being. Ethel keeps asking her to join us for lunch. In my opinion, the conversation takes a serious nosedive when this happens. It's not that Tiffany isn't a deep thinker; it's just that the discourse takes on a polite patina with a superficial sheen. We talk about clothes, the weather, dressing up for Halloween, hair, and "30 Rock," (which I do not watch).
That's all well and good, but I feel like lunch is my hour to be myself and not talk about the banal shit that passes for conversation and connection in our office everyday. When it's just me, Mabel, and Esther, we talk about relationships, race (Mabel is half-Jewish and married to a Black man), religion, the news, Dear Abby, politics, horoscopes--it's not a think tank, but it's interesting, with the easy give-and-take that comes from knowing each other a bunch of years.
What do you think? Should I just pack a cheese sandwich and a book and sit at my desk during lunch?
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4 comments:
Well, how long has this nosedive been going on? If you have a good vibe about Tiffany she could be a fine addition to the clique, but there needs to be a period of vetting... You don't just meet someone during their first week of work and declare over lunch, "I support abortion up until the third trimester"or, "I think God is dead"... Eventually, tho, it begins to come up when everyone's comfortable...
Of course if you suspect Tiffany isn't gonna cut it in the lunch crew, maybe just discreetly mention this to your posse and cut her loose... Or get to the desk with the sandwich...
You don't have to make it an either/or proposition as far as your continued attendance goes.
Go have lunch with them sometimes, then hang by yourself, create or merge into a new clique other times.
You're missing what you had, and that's absolutely understandable. But if Esther and Mabel continue to groove on the new dynamic, then you're witnessing a minor clique-shift. It could be permanent, temporary or sporadic. Keep observing and keep spending your time in the way that relaxes/engages you the most.
Hi KellyBelle,
This "sterile" chit-chat just may be a way to make the newcomer feel comfortable getting to know everyone.
I am a person who doesn't mind sitting down for lunch with intense conversation about issues that impact our lives -- but some people want surface talk that doesn't require much thinking. That's okay. I just don't spend much time around people who are like that.
However, since this person is "new", I can understand the approach that is being taken.
Give her a chance to get to know all of you on a superficial level for a while...maybe a month... and then introduce a news topic to see her response. If she jumps right into it then maybe she doesn't feel comfortable discussing the topic but would feel comfortable with other topics.
I've been in situations where people immediately changed the dialogue just because the minister showed up and sat down with her sandwich and iced tea! Suddenly, the conversation turns to surface talk and away from the sexual acrobatics that I overheard someone describing in detail as I approached the group. Clearly, I would not have been interested in that but the issue is that the group should not have to change their flow just because someone who doesn't hang out with them shows up to participate.
One blogger came to my forum and boldly told me that I should meet people where they are. I laughed at my computer screen and said I told her, "perhaps you forgot but you're stepping into MY house so that means you are coming in here to meet me where I am." It's nice and polite for the group to accomodate the newcomer IF they invited her but if she invited HERSELF into the mix then you don't have any obligation to change up.
Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa
Sometimes you are the Tiffany, sometimes the band of merry 3.
You gotta let someone have a chance to blend in, or they just feel disconnected & may become disgruntled.
If she's not your cup of tea, then book & sandwich it sometimes.
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